I have a story to tell and I know that everybody does, but the only thing that is different is that it is mine. I don't know how it will end and I don't exactly remember how it started. I'm not even sure where to begin, thus I'm going to tell what I'm feeling, but that's also a problem because I feel nothing. And yes, I said nothing.
Where are you pathetic death when I need you the most? I'm trapped in this dreadful country and I'm trapped in this life. If I ever knew happiness, I really don't remember any of it. There is just pain which I have to hide with a smile I had to learn to avoid people's questions like 'are you ok?'. All these is nothing, I keep telling myself, but that voice in my head says...
...Why can't I have a livingroom?, why can't I afford a plan on my mobile phone?, why can't I afford cable or satellite tv service?, why do I have to take psychiatric medication when that should never have happened to me?, why is that medication so expensive and what would I do if someday I didn't have the money?, why can't I buy my medication without a psychiatrist prescription?, why did I have to be so bashful during my adolescence and now that I overcome that, I am simply not interested in making any friend?, why do I spend most of the day alone and talking to myself every now and then and actually enjoying it more than having company?, why did my older brother die before being born and having a name?, why can't I go eating out?, why do I throw up when I go eating out in company?
Is all that painful enough to turn me into a cold-hearted person?. Yes, it is.
This afternoon, around 6 pm, I sat down alone somewhere and saw the full moon in the sky. It was kind of pink and orange and it was beautiful. I stared at that moon above the river and felt the wind blowing. I wished that moment had lasted forever or better yet, that could have been my last perfect moment. Jump to the river kept saying that voice in my head... just jump to the river and put an end to this once and for all. I was hungry over and above the fact that I hate to be drowned.
Well, I have to go. I'm still hungry and I also hate the gallows and blades.
